


Seska's Lullaby

by Penny_P



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-25 09:20:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19742740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Penny_P/pseuds/Penny_P
Summary: Seska tells her life story to her son.  A missing scene from Basics, Pt 2, after she has sent her message to Chakotay and Voyager with the claim she has given birth to Chakotay's son, but before the child's DNA has been tested.





	Seska's Lullaby

**Author's Note:**

> Big nod to "Pathways" by Jeri Taylor.

You were very good, my little man. Very good indeed. That little bit of communication will bring your father to us. And his simpering Captain won't let him come on his own, so he is going to bring _Voyager_ to us. That's quite an accomplishment for someone barely a week old.

He never said he loved me, but he did. I know he did.

Are you hungry? Let's take care of that. You need to be calm and content when Cullah returns. He doesn't care for crying babies, so we have to be certain you don't cry in front of him, don’t we? Don't you worry about him, I won't let him hurt you. Not ever.

There you go. Have I told you how I met your father? The assignment was simple - infiltrate a Maquis cell and gain a position of trust. With humans, that meant initiating a sexual relationship. It is still astounding to me how many of them confuse a few moments of physical exertion with intimacy. The Cardassian way is much more pragmatic. We never trust anyone outside of family. Outside the bonds of family, whether a blood family or marriage family, there is no reason for anyone to put your interests ahead of theirs. Within the bonds of family, it is death to betray one another. It's really very simple.

Remember that, my hungry little man. You can only trust your family. And in this quadrant, that's me.

Enabran Tain himself recruited me for the Obsidian Order. He found me picking pockets on the streets of Kelnok when I ten years old. Well, to be honest, he caught me trying to pick his pocket and nearly broke my neck before he realized I was just a child.

"Who are you, girl?" he demanded, his right hand closed firmly around my throat as he held me six centimeters above the pavement. With a sinking heart, I realized my mistake. He had looked like an ordinary merchant, but I knew the voice of Authority when I heard it. I knew the feel of Authority. The grip was so tight that it allowed me enough air to survive but not enough to talk, and he knew it.

I'd been working the streets for three years, and the first lesson I had learned was never to let them see that I was afraid. Besides, I was hungry enough that death didn't particularly frighten me.

There aren't supposed to be orphans in the Cardassian Union. Children are treasured by their families, and if they lose their parents they are taken in by relatives, who welcome them with open arms.

There aren't supposed to be beggars in the Cardassian Union. Everyone who can work, works and earns a decent wage. Those who can't work are supported by their families.

But there I was, an orphan and a beggar. And I stared back at the face of Authority with all the bravado I could muster. I wasn't supposed to exist, but there I was.

We stared at each other for the longest moment of my short life, and then he set me down. He released my throat but kept a hand on my shoulder. "What is your name?"

"Seska Meyl."

"Meyl." He frowned. "You are Bellina's daughter?"

Of course he knew her. My mother had been the most popular prostitute in Kelnok, and Kelnok was the most populous city in Cardassia outside the capital.

Perhaps I should explain. On Cardassia, there is no shame attached to prostitution, as there is on so many worlds. It is just another job. My mother was beautiful and she must have been talented, because she had many customers who were Authority.

That was what got her into trouble. She got greedy, and tried to sell a secret that came from a personal guard of Legate Mosel Faret. She was condemned for treason and executed.

If anyone remembered that she had a child, no one cared. Children are treasured among Cardassians, but not the children of traitors.

Enabran Tain knew all of that as soon as he heard my name. His eyes were wise, wiser than any I had ever seen. "Come with me, then."

We went to a streetside café and he let me order from the menu. I hadn't seen so much at one time since Mother was arrested, and it was all I could do not to shovel it into my face with both hands. But Mother had been training me to follow her, and the training held. Elegance of manner and refinement of conversation were important with Authority, and she had drilled etiquette into me from the time I could talk. So I carefully unfolded the napkin and set in my lap, and looked to him, as the senior at the table, for permission to begin.

"You have control," he said. His voice was approving but his face gave away nothing. "That's good. You may eat."

The soup was the most delicious thing I had ever eaten. Sometimes at night, I can still taste it. Nothing has ever come close to its richness. He watched me sip every spoonful, and I took pains to do it correctly. We did not speak again until the bowl was empty.

"You aren’t going to be as beautiful as your mother." He spoke flatly, without inflection.

His words stung, but I did not let that show. "That’s all right. Being beautiful got her executed."

He threw back his head and laughed. It was a rich laugh, hearty and seemingly genuine. I had heard very few people laugh like that before. Then suddenly he was serious again, and he looked at me through narrowed eyes. "You are smarter than she was. That is good. Eat your bread, Seska Meyl, and think about what you want to be in life. Then tell me after you finish."

I watched him as I chewed. He was not like the others in Authority. The legates and guls who came to my mother had been openly proud, openly lustful, openly disdainful. This man’s face showed only what he wanted it to, and he wanted to show me nothing.

As I swallowed the last bite, he folded his arms and looked at me. I knew what he expected. He wanted an answer without further prompting. "I want to be warm. I want to eat well, every day. I want to be clean."

"Small ambitions." He sounded disappointed.

That angered me, I don’t know why. "I want to kill Mosel Faret."

He smiled. It was not as hearty as his laugh, but it was just as genuine and it was frightening. "That’s better. I can help you, little Seska."

"How?"

"From this moment on, you belong to me. I will educate you, train you, make you fit for your new profession. And together we will have your vengeance."

I felt my eyes open widely, and knew it was too revealing but I could not stop it. "Why?"

"Because," he pronounced slowly, "you are family. Bellina was my cousin."

I stared at him. My mother had always bemoaned the fact that she was without family, the only child of only children who died young. "Is that true?"

"It is now," he said, and that was my first lesson in the art of propaganda.

He took me to Spinajal Academy and enrolled me in the children’s school. I didn’t know it until later, but in doing so he placed me among the elite. Only youth being groomed for the Obsidian Order were admitted there, and the handful under the age of fifteen were among those hand-picked for future leadership. Based on a failed attempt at theft and a lunch, Tain selected me to be one of his successors. I was the youngest ever to be enrolled.

The Academy was like any exclusive school, with a special focus. We received the same basic schooling as other children our age, plus extra courses in technology, acting, martial arts, and political philosophy. I excelled, little man. I excelled because I had ability, yes, but more importantly, I had ambition. I had more ambition than any of the pampered pets of the good families.

We were being raised to be good little Cardassians, loyal to the Obsidian Order as our only family. I went along with it, but I didn’t believe it. My family was my dead mother and Enabran Tain. We clung to the fiction that I was of his family. For a while I indulged myself in the fantasy that he was my father. Mother had never told me my father's name; she hinted that it was someone in Authority, someone who would take care of us even though he couldn't acknowledge us. When she was killed and no one came to take care of me, I had decided that was only a story. She probably didn't know which of her customers had sired me.

When Tain took me off the streets I began to hope, but that ended when he took it upon himself to begin my training in sexual techniques. Not even the most depraved Cardassian would do such a thing with a daughter of the blood, no matter how begotten. He was a thorough teacher, covering a wide range of subjects - including one that I don’t think he realized was on the curriculum. He taught me the power that a female can gain over a male simply by possessing an active mouth and a flexible body. There came a time when our roles shifted subtly, when control passed from him to me and he never even realized it.

I never wanted him to. By then I knew him very well. If he thought I had any power over him at all, he would have killed me without a second thought. Our relationship was not based on love, not anything remotely close to the concept of love. It was based on need and power and dependency. I know exactly when the dependency became his rather than mine. It was the moment he abandoned his control and called my name as he found his release. It was the first time he had ever done so. It was not the last.

He never said he loved me. But he did. I know he did.

When I was eighteen, he pronounced me fully trained and gave me a commission in the Obsidian Order. My first assignment was absurdly easy: to seduce a member of the Chief Legate’s Advisory Council and gain at least one state secret from him. The legate – Benthan was his name, I think – had been a staunch opponent of the Order in the Assembly and Tain needed something to hold over his head. He taught a seminar at the University, so I enrolled under a false name and worked my way through the prerequisites until, two years later, I sat in a room with just five other students and him. After that, it was pathetically easy. I am often hard on humans, but perhaps it is true that males are males are males. A little vulnerability, a few tears, a few drinks and an active mouth and flexible body can do the rest. He was grateful for the pleasure I gave him; he actually wept with joy. He told me how special I was, how remarkable.

Six months later, he retired from public office. His public announcement said he wanted to spend more time with his family. I watched from Tain’s bed as the announcement was made. He wept as he spoke.

I was awarded a commendation and given my next assignment. Tain gave it to me himself; he said it was to be the last thing he accomplished before he retired.

He gave me Mosel Faret, my mother's executioner.

Some surgery was required for this; despite Tain’s prediction at our first meeting, I did look very like my mother and we could not take that risk. To my utter surprise, Tain directed the surgeons to make me beautiful. Different from my mother, but stunning nonetheless. It was astonishing how much this affected me. Perhaps one does not fully comprehend the confidence true beauty brings until one lives it. As soon as I saw my new face and body in the mirror in the Order’s hospital, I knew that this would work.

Three years later, one year to get Faret's attention and two as his mistress, I watched as he was dragged away to stand trial for treason. He had never shared a secret with me willingly, but I had eventually found my way into his protected files and sold them in his name. Tain and I sat in the gallery as he was put to death. Tain gripped my hand at the final moment, and breathed "yes" as the bastard screamed in pain.

I never dared ask what Faret had done to earn Tain’s vengeance. I doubted it had anything to do with my mother, but with Tain you never knew. He never told anyone his real reasons for doing anything. It didn't matter. It was enough that Faret was dead, and I was the instrument of his destruction.

Here's the strange thing: even though I had achieved my ambition, I did not feel satisfied. The need for revenge that had driven me was still there. It just became unfocused. I was angry at someone, but I didn't know who.

I underwent restorative surgery, but I asked the doctors to leave a few of the refinements. They would come in useful, I thought, and I was right. Over the next few years, I was given short-term assignments and I completed them brilliantly. Tain retired, but he left a notation in my file. I was on the short list to be considered for leadership when the time came.

Then the Federation caved in and signed the Treaty of 2370. That surprised me; I thought them a stronger enemy. Barely weeks later, the first Maquis raid occurred. Tain's successor, Voras Ralok, shrugged it off as an isolated incident but then there was another and then another and finally even Ralok had to admit there was a problem. And so I was given the assignment to infiltrate a cell and altered to appear Bajoran.

I hope you never see me like that, my little man. There are no forms in the quadrant that can match the Cardassians for elegance and beauty, but at least the humans are sleek and simple. The Bajorans are particularly unattractive, with their deformed noses and severe hair styles and oversized ear decorations.

It was not difficult to be accepted as a refugee. Many were still fleeing the colony worlds that had been ceded to the Union and record keeping was impossible. A good story, told sincerely, was enough for credibility. From the refugee camp to the Maquis was almost as easy. They were so gullible.

One night I was sent to meet the new leader of the cell I'd been assigned to. This meeting was vital; I knew the leader was a human male, which meant that to gain his confidence I'd need to share his bed and the first impression was critical. It was dark when I spotted him, and at first the only thing I could tell was that he was tall and solidly built. That was a relief. I can have sex with anyone if necessary – the fact that I'm with Cullah is proof of that – but it's easier when I find the other attractive. I prefer partners who are larger than me, and who can match my strength.

But it was when I was finally able to see his eyes that I knew I would succeed. His eyes burned with the same anger, the same desire for revenge that fueled me. We each recognized a kindred spirit and we came together there, outside a stinking cave on Bajor, in fury and in need. There was no gentleness, like with my weeping legate, or any struggle for domination, like with Tain. It was almost symbiotic, his hatred feeding my anger, and my anger building his hatred and at the end I screamed. I have screamed before at a climax, but always because I intended to, to convince my partner of the totality of my orgasm. That time, it wasn't intentional; the experience overwhelmed me, and I lost control. That had never happened before.

Perhaps I shouldn't tell you such things now. But you are young enough that you won't remember, and I'll tell you again when you're old enough to understand.

We continued like that for almost a year. He kept me in his bed and I proved useful in other ways as well. I may not have B'Elanna's instincts but I have much more training, and we needed all the engineers we could get on that old bucket of a ship. Our lives were frantic and we were out of contact with civilization for long stretches of time. The part of me that was the Bajoran freedom fighter made friends, became close to other members of our crew.

That is the odd thing about working under cover, you see. To be successful, you must be completely immersed in the role and yet there is a danger there, a danger that the immersion becomes so complete that you forget your true purpose and become part of the very cause you were sent to destroy. So there must be a part of you walled off, held in reserve to make certain that you remember who you really are. It is as if you are two distinct people, one public and the other an observer who is largely silent, until it senses that a reminder is needed.

I'd never been close to losing myself on any of my other assignments, but this one was different. We were all together so much and so intensely there was never a chance for relief. And with Chakotay, the intensity was even greater. For the first time in my life, I didn't have to hide my anger. He sought it, courted it, sucked it out of me so I could give it back to him. We didn't talk of love. Love sounded pale and insipid compared to what we did in his quarters. I still feel it, little one. I can still feel it, even now, as you bite just a little too hard on my nipple. I will admit this much: no one ever made me feel like that, not even Tain.

He never said he loved me, but he did. I know he did.

Here's the thing about Chakotay. He has a trusting nature, far too trusting for guerilla fighter. He told me things he didn't tell the others about his plans and about his past. He blamed the Cardassians for the destruction of his family and home; he was too short-sighted to see that the true culprit was the Federation and the weaklings who chose appeasement instead of war. If I'd had more time, I might have gotten him to see that and to redirect his hatred. But there wasn't time.

I was surprised when he broke it off. He'd been moody for several weeks and hadn't initiated sex for even longer, but I had decided that was simply his nature. So when I reached for him that night I was surprised when he put me aside.

"Seska, this isn't working," he said.

I misunderstood. "Give me a chance. I'm just getting started."

"No, I mean that this-" he swept his arm to encompass the small quarters "-us, we aren't working. I can't be captain of this ship and have a lover from the crew. It's not fair to you, it's not fair to the others."

I stepped back. "Since I haven't been complaining, I can only assume that someone else has. Who? B'Elanna? She wants you herself, you know."

He looked at me sharply. "That's exactly what I mean. Every time I talk to someone else, you get jealous. It doesn't matter whether it's B'Elanna, Kurt or even Suder. It's distracting, and we can't afford to get distracted."

He actually believed what he said. He believed I was jealous. As if I could be jealous of a human. He was an assignment, that was all. But if he believed that, fine. I could work with it. "What – what are you saying? That I should move out?"

"I'm saying it's over, Seska. I'm sorry, but it's over."

You have no idea how angry that made me. Who did he think he was, this human, to cast me aside like yesterday's lunch? "You are going to be sorry," I told him, trying to contain myself but my voice shook. He looked pained, and I realized he mistook my reaction for grief, not anger. So much the better. "You're going to miss me."

"Probably. And I am sorry. But it has to be this way." He looked so noble, so self-sacrificing. But he was also Chakotay, and a man. He would be back. The sex had been too good to give up forever. I awakened something dark and powerful in him, and he would miss that. So, with a lip that trembled and the faintest sheen of tears in my eyes so he would know how hard this was for me, I agreed to give him up for the sake of our cause.

And he felt guilty. That is such a human reaction. I will have to teach you to ignore it. With just a little more time, he would have come back. 

But then the Caretaker pulled us to the Delta quadrant and we encountered Janeway and _Voyager_. You'll see her soon, little one, and you'll be as puzzled as I. How could anyone that naïve be given a command? She actually thinks she can take the ship back 75,000 light years with her precious Starfleet principles intact. She's a fool, and worse, she's a dangerous fool because she is attractive and articulate, and she convinces people that she's right, even when she is patently wrong.

She convinced Chakotay. He chose her over me. That was his mistake, wasn't it? That was his great mistake. He thought we were over. Now he knows better.

Because of Janeway, I had to go to Cullah. I cannot imagine why the universe ever allowed anything as disgusting as the Kazon to evolve. But, this will not last forever. Once we have _Voyager_ , we will make contact with other races and they must surely be better than the Kazon.

Be glad you are a man, my sleepy little one. If you had been a girl, I would have killed you to spare you the life of a Kazon woman. You are my finest achievement, ripped from your father when he was helpless. That was a moment. I had him, I had him bound and under my control and he knew that it all could have been very different. And I made sure he understood my intentions. Conceived in anger and in pain. It is so very fitting.

Now he's seen you. And he knows that as long as you live, he and I will always be connected. He's probably done about a dozen vision quests by now, trying to figure out how he can cut his ties to us. It doesn't matter. In the end, he'll realize that family is more important than anything.

All done? Here, let's make sure everything settles. He's coming for you, even now. I'm sure of it. Once he sees that message, he won't be able to stay away. And then we will take their precious ship and leave them on a planet so raw that simply surviving will require all their attention and strength. Janeway's days as a starship captain will be over. Let's see how they listen to her when they're eating grubs and running from lava.

And if he does survive, he will look into the sky at night and he will wonder where we are. And he will wonder how different it might have been if he had chosen me instead of her. He will ache to hold you, and he will remember the dark ecstasy he found with me. He will remember that he never said he loved me and he will regret it.

He will regret all of it.

-the end- 


End file.
